On June 9th, 2007 I married my best friend. On October 28th, 2014 I told him that I needed a divorce. I can count on one hand the people who truly knew why. I kept my story to myself for years for many reasons. The biggest reason was fear. Fear of judgement and shame. Fear of losing my job. Fear of losing Nathan himself. But fear and shame have ruled over my story long enough. It is time to own my story. To boldly profess every chapter, so that they no longer have power over me.
It is my intention to share my experiences in a way that honors my experiences without slandering anyone else. So here it goes.
Some Backstory
Nathan and I both grew up in the church and met at a small Christian college. We fell for each other pretty quickly and got married just after our senior year. I knew that Nathan had issues with the church. His home church had not treated his family well after his parents divorced, and he had some understandable anger about that. I was not expecting Nathan to completely stop believing in God a few years into our marriage. I was sad, but mostly concerned for Nathan. I told my my Bible study group that I would go though hell for him! I prayed for him daily and tried to keep my own spiritual life healthy.
It wasn't long before Nathan started to talk about all the things he'd missed because he grew up as a Christian: high school parties, sex before marriage, that sort of thing. And one day he mentioned bringing someone else into our bedroom. I was shocked and told him that I was definitely not comfortable with that! We didn't talk about it again until about a year later when he broached the subject again. My response was the same, but this time he seemed less likely to let it go.
He started getting more irritable and distant. I hoped that it was due to something else, but it was not. Finally he told me that he was unhappy and that we needed to deal with it.
Polyamory
About a month later, Nathan told me that he identified as polyamorous. In other words, he believes that he is capable of and needs to love more than one person at a time. He told me that he was polyamorous and that he needed to be able to explore it. There was no real discussion. Just an announcement. This conversation would be referred to as me giving consent. Looking back, I was never given a choice. I was told what was happening, and I knew that saying "no" would end my marriage. I loved Nathan with my whole being, and while I hated the thought of sharing him, I couldn't lose him.
He proceeded to tell me about the girl he wanted to date, and we set up a dinner with the three of us to discuss the logistics of him dating her while being married to me. If you've ever been to a dinner that you thought was awkward, I'm fairly certain that I've got you beat.
Before long, Nathan spent his first night with Monica. I was up all night going in and out of the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up. I kept the TV on constantly trying to stay distracted. It was a horrible night! I told myself that Nathan was just going through a phase and that I just needed to try harder to be OK with it. I told Nathan about my horrible night, but that I would try harder.
Pretending
It wasn't long before I realized that I wasn't going to get used to this anytime soon. Nathan had told me that he would always be there for me no matter what. But he told her the same thing. And you can't make that promise to two people. Example: One night, I got home after a really bad day and he was at her house. I called and asked to talk about my day. Well she had had a rough day too, so I would have to wait until the next day. I felt so alone.
For the first month or so, I would try to talk to Nathan about how unhappy I was. Nathan would get upset because I wasn't supporting him. He was happy. Why couldn't I be happy for him? He would remind me that he was unhappy for years, as if to say that it was my turn. Pretty soon, we just started pretending. He didn’t tell me about how happy Monica made him because it upset me. I didn’t tell him how unhappy I was because it upset him. He would hear my crying myself to sleep, but we just stopped talking about it.
At work, I tried to pretend that everything was OK. My students had no idea what I was going through leading up to and including the divorce. The stress of that time was so severe that I honestly don't remember a lot from that time. Only one person at work knew what was going on, but a few people noticed that something was wrong. I was told that I needed to leave my problems at home, and that I wasn't being paid my full market value because I wasn't giving enough of myself to the school.
When you are being told from so many directions at once that you're not good enough, you start to believe it. So I did what I has always done. I put my head down and tried harder. I've always been the person to avoid conflict. If I just work harder, if I can just be better, if I'm enough, it'll all work out. I just need to keep bending.
Ideation
As our "situation" progressed, things got really dark for me. We had made a schedule of which nights of the week were spent with me and which were spent with her. I became more and more isolated. Who would understand why I was staying with him? I didn't fully understand it. Would people judge me for "allowing" this kind of sin in my marriage? Would the Christian school where I taught fire me over it? I hadn't done anything wrong. I kept my vows, but what if they didn't see it that way. I couldn't lose my job! I often thought that I must be the loneliest married person in the world.
I began to suffer from suicidal ideation. Most of the time it was passive, meaning I would think about dying in ways that weren't directly by hand like being in a car accident, or being killed in a school shooting... I would plead with God most nights. "God please don't make me wake up! Please don't make me do this anymore!"
There were a couple of nights were I actually tried to think if there was a way to end it without Nathan knowing that it was suicide. I believed that if I took my life, it would destroy him. So was there any way around that? Could I do it without him knowing it was self inflicted? I never had an actual plan, but Nathan took a trip to San Francisco with her for a few days about a year into their affair, and I almost checked myself into the hospital three times during that trip.
Thankfully, I had started seeing a therapist shortly before Nathan and Monica started dating. Her name is Laura, and she saved my life, literally! God put the right person in my life at exactly the right time! I also had the support of three amazing women who were there for me through Facebook. I was so isolated. I was so removed from the world. These three women were my lifeline.
My PSI (passive suicidal ideation) continued for the first 6 months after the divorce as I finally allowed myself to be angry, sad, and to grieve the loss of the future I thought I had with Nathan.
Time to Go
I finally came to the place where I knew it was time to go. In many ways, Nathan had already left me. I had asked for couple's therapy, but he refused. He had exchanged rings with Monica. He professed his love to he on the phone while I was in the next room unable block out his voice. He was gone. I took me a long time to realize that, but I gathered my courage and finally told him that it was over. The divorce was the most painful experience of my life, but staying would have been worse.
Fear vs Truth
I finally came to the place where I knew it was time to go. In many ways, Nathan had already left me. I had asked for couple's therapy, but he refused. He had exchanged rings with Monica. He professed his love to he on the phone while I was in the next room unable block out his voice. He was gone. I took me a long time to realize that, but I gathered my courage and finally told him that it was over. The divorce was the most painful experience of my life, but staying would have been worse.
Fear vs Truth
As I said at the beginning, there are several reasons that I have kept my story to myself. I'd like to share what I was afraid of, and what I've found instead.
Fear: Nathan told me over and over that this wasn't about me not being enough. That he believed that no one person could ever fill all the needs of another person. But I could not help but feel as though I wasn't enough. And I feared that he was right.
Truth: I am enough. I am more than enough. I am a child of the most high God!
Fear: People will blame me for "allowing" this to happen. They will look at me as sinful. I actually had someone tell me that if I had a stronger personality, none of this would have happened. That voice bounced around in my head for about a year.
Truth: It took over a year after leaving to realize that I didn't allow anything! My therapist told me over and over that no one allows abuse! But it took me a long time to sort through all the difference voices until I recognized the truth. I was put in an impossible situation, and I did the best I could.
Fear: People will judge me for how long I stayed.
Truth: Someone once asked me if I thought it would have hurt less if I had left sooner. I realized that it wouldn't have. I was desperately trying to hold my marriage together because I loved the Nathan that I had married. I needed to realize on my own that I deserved better. I needed to realize in my own time that things weren't going to get better. I needed to find my own worth. I think if I had left earlier, I would have had too many doubts and I would have been more likely to fall into another unhealthy relationship.
Fear: I will lose my job.
Truth: I honestly don't know if I would have as I never told my administration my whole story, but God's been faithful to provide for me.
Fear: People will think I'm weak for putting up with so much. Others will think I'm weak for getting a divorce.
Truth: I'm one of the strongest people I know! It took insane amounts of strength to get through all this. And anyone who thinks otherwise can keep it to themselves.
Fear: I felt shame about my suicidal ideation.
Truth: I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Fear: God hates divorce. You get married and you stay married.
Truth: I have come to believe that God hates divorce not in and of itself, but because of what leads to it. God hates adultery, abuse, selfishness, etc. I didn't give up on my marriage. I fought like hell to keep it together, but God doesn't hate that I left. He hates that I had to.
What I've Learned
I've always been pretty good at putting the needs of others before my own. The church taught me that God was first, others were second, and I was third. I've finally realized that if I am to love others as I love myself, I have to love myself!
Divorce was the most painful thing I've ever been through, but guess what. I like myself again! I had forgotten what that felt like. I hated myself for so long without even really realizing it. But I like myself again! Huzzah!
God has been faithful in ways I can't even express. He stood by me. Walked with me. Provided for me. There are so many stories of his grace during this time that I can't remember them all, but his blessings overflowed during this horrible time.
Divorce was the most painful thing I've ever been through, but guess what. I like myself again! I had forgotten what that felt like. I hated myself for so long without even really realizing it. But I like myself again! Huzzah!
God has been faithful in ways I can't even express. He stood by me. Walked with me. Provided for me. There are so many stories of his grace during this time that I can't remember them all, but his blessings overflowed during this horrible time.
So there is it. There's my story in a nut shell. Thank you for listening.
